I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize