i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
