Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
