so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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