my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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