Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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