evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
