Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
