God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
