I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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