I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
