I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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