PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
