Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No subtext here. People are naked.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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