I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
