once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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