when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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