We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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