I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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