Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
