Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
