It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Damn victory sex feels great
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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