____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you win again, gameday.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
