How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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