just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
