I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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