I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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