Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
