Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
