well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
