I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
