Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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