This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
