I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
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OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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