So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
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Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
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Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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