When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
