my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The adults are the big ones right?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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