it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
