Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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