I think my fart just growled at me.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
