Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
