I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
