Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
