well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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