So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
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I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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