Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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