Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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