I cannot find my penis.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
