my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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