i just sent this text using only my big toe
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
