So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
