She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
