There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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