They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
