I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
